MY FIRST PARTY

MY FIRST PARTY

NEW YEAR’S EVE, 2025.

I INVITED EVERYONE I KNEW. ENEMIES AND POTENTIAL LOVERS INCLUDED. SO TERRIFIED WAS I THAT THERE WOULD BE AN AWKWARD AMOUNT OF PEOPLE IN AN AWKWARD AMOUNT OF SPACE.

WHEN WILL I LEARN TO NOT MAKE DECISIONS FROM A PLACE OF FEAR????WHEN WILL I LEARN TO NOT MAKE DECISIONS FROM A SCARCITY MINDSET?

SO SCARED WAS I THAT THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY TRADE AT THE PARTY. BECAUSE IT ISN’T A PARTY UNLESS THERE IS SOME TRADE.

I WAS SCARED THERE WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH ALCOHOL OR ENOUGH ICE SO JUSTIN AND VIOLET AND I SPENT OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS ON BOOZE AND FIVE BAGS OF ICE. THERE WASN’T SPACE FOR ALL THE ICE IN THE FREEZER. SO WE PUT IT ON THE BALCONY. JUSTIN COULDN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD PUT THE ICE ON THE BALCONY AND IT WOULD STAY FROZEN BECAUSE THIS ISN’T LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA. THE ONLY THING WE DIDN’T BUY WERE PAPER TOWELS AND WE WERE GOING TO NEED PAPER TOWELS.

WHEN WILL I LEARN TO NOT DO THE SAME AMOUNT OF COCAINE AS A TRANS WOMAN TWICE MY SIZE AND DOUBLE MY GENDER?

WHEN AT MIDNIGHT I SHARED A FOUR WAY KISS WITH MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND A BOY WITH A DUMP TRUCK ASS ASKED BRIDGET TO KISS AND TOLD HER IT DIDN’T HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING AND IT BECAME 2026 AND THE END OF HISTORY WAS THRUST UPON US, SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENED…A DIONYESIAN ENERGY BEGAN TO PULSATE THROUGH MY FIRST PARTY. THINGS BEGAN TO TAKE A TURN

I RECALL THE TRADE ASKING ME FOR A USBC CHARGER FOR HIS VAPE AND I, PEAKING ON COCAINE RAN AROUND MY APARTMENT SEARCHING FOR THAT USBC CHARGER AS IF IT WERE THE TOMB OF THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK AND I, INDIANA JONES.

I RECALL THE BOY WITH THE DUMP TRUCK ASS PAINTING MY BATHROOM WITH HIS VOMIT.

I RECALL MY FORMER COWORKER AND HIS FORMERLY INCARCERATED SOCIALLY ANXIOUS HUSBAND LEAVING BEHIND THEIR RANDOM DRUNK FRIEND WHO FELL ASLEEP IN MY LIVING ROOM. I RECALL THIS RANDOM DRUNK GUY THROWING UP ALL OVER HIMSELF. WE USED WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY PAPER TOWELS TO CLEAN UP MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR BUT THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH AND THEN HE THREW UP AGAIN AND THIS TIME NATALIE’S LEATHER JACKET WAS CAUGHT IN THE CROSSHAIRS, ENDED UP THROWN OVER THE BALCONY.

I RECALL THE TRADE’S LESBIAN FRIEND TELLING HIM IT WAS TIME TO GO AND HIM ASKING IF JUSTIN AND I HAD IG, AND US BOTH THINKING WE WERE SO GONNA GET IT WITH THE TRADE.

I RECALL JUSTIN HELPING THE DRUNK STRANGER DOWN THE STAIRS AND INTO THE UBER. THE UBER DRIVER TAKING ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SAYING HELL NO. JUSTIN BY THE GRACE OF SOME BENEVOLENT GOD CONVINCING THE UBER DRIVER THAT THIS DRUNK STRANGER WAS NOT GOING TO PAINT THE INSIDER OF THE POOR GUY’S CAR DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE ON THE CONTRARY.

AND AT THAT POINT IT WAS NO LONGER A PARTY BUT A HANDFUL OF COKED OUT FRIENDS IN AN APARTMENT THAT SMELLED LIKE VOMIT AND THE AIR WAS CHARGED WITH REGRET. WE HAD PASSED OUR PEAK AND WERE RAPIDLY FALLING, FALLING FAST INTO THE END OF HISTORY

AND SO EVERYONE SAID THEIR GOODBYES WITH PITY ON THEIR TONGUE BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS FUN UNTIL IT SUDDENLY WAS TOO REAL AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT I HATE MORE THAN PITY AND I WAS ALREADY FEELING AWFULLY SORRY FOR MYSELF, LIKE A FOOL FOR HAVING THOUGHT I WAS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO HOST MY FIRST PARTY THE SAME FOOL WHO THINKS IT IS WISE TO TRY TO DO THE SAME AMOUNT OF DRUGS AS SOMEONE TWICE MY SIZE AND DOUBLE MY GENDER.

GOD BLESS MY DEAR FRIENDS WHO STAYED TO HELP ME CLEAN AND TO OFFER WORDS OF WISDOM AND SOLIDARITY DESPITE MY RAPID EMOTIONAL DECLINE

AS JUSTIN AND I PUT ON OUR PAJAMAS AND SPRAYED TOWER 28 RESCUE SPRAY ALL OVER OUR FACES HE ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I SPEWED RANDOM DRUG FUELED NONSENSE ABOUT HOW EVERY SOCIAL INTERACTION IS BASED ON A LIE AND HOW WE ARE ALL ACTORS AND NOT VERY GOOD AT IT AND HE RIGHTFULLY CALLED ME OUT ON MY BULLSHIT, TOLD ME WHAT I WAS REALLY SAD ABOUT THAT I WAS SAD ABOUT THE GAPING HOLE IN MY HEART FROM LACK OF TRADE SYNDROME

TOLD ME THAT NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE ME. THAT I MUST FIND THE TRADE AND LET THE TRADE POUND ME OUT. REGARDLESS OF THE CONSEQUENCES

TEARS SPRANG TO MY EYES, MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE ME. ALL THE PAIN AND HURT AND JEALOUSLY. THE INTENSE LACK.

IT WAS THE END OF HISTORY. IT WAS FIVE IN THE MORNING. MY EGO DIED AND MY BODY RESTED. MY COCAINE JAW REMAINED LOCKED. MY FIRST PARTY WAS OVER.